Journey continues

Today I have a somber spirit. Last night before bed I was wrestling with myself to settle down and go to sleep. I wanted to think and stir and cogitate over everything, so when I awoke in the morning I would be a wiser, more educated woman who had a whole grasp on what life meant and where I was going. I have always felt this desperate need to know all about myself, so I can just relax the remainder of my life and enjoy it. However, that is not who I am. I am like an architect always tweaking the design of the building, always adding on or tearing down walls to make the rooms bigger, only to find out that much space makes the room feel too awkward, so I put the walls right back up because its more cozy. I struggle with where I am at today, am I making the right decisions, is this the right path and why don’t I have any patience. Why is my soul always running 200 miles an hour on a fast track and everyone needs to get out of the way? Why can’t I be at peace, with who I am and where I am going. I feel like I only get one chance, I am always having way through this journey and what if the journey stops tomorrow. I would have never ridden the train to California and saw the red woods. I have never seen the Eifel tower. I have never been to the great wall in China . I feel not rested because there is so much to see and I have not had time to see it. I am always trying to find out ways to make it all happen. How to earn my own living, balance a boyfriend, please my family and please my soul. I don’t feel any different than anyone else, but I feel I am more anxious about it than others. It is a longing I have that makes me feel different than others. Thanksgiving is this week. I reflected back when I was with Tom. Thanksgiving was always the happiest time of our marriage. I always cooked the turkey, stuffing, potatoes, and pie and he enjoyed it. We would scan the ads, looking for what were going to buy the following day on “Black Friday”. We would lounge and build a fire. I would bring out the Christmas decorations, not because I wanted to, but because he loved it. We didn’t celebrate Christmas together anymore. He didn’t understand buying a present for me based on things that I loved or liked. He wanted a list and then bought exactly what was on the list. I told him one Christmas, I can just buy the stuff myself and he was ok with that. We were not good at exchanging gifts and often he would bring up the year I bought him luggage when he told me to buy him a practical gift for Christmas. How much more practical I thought could you get than luggage for our upcoming trip. He was disappointed I felt awful and cried and he never let me forget that moment. It was after that,I felt so horrible about buying presents for people, that I went out of my way to make sure the gift were “special” and “exactly what you would want”, “thoughtful” and yet in my budget. I would spend hours looking for the right gift; and no matter who you are, you would be utterly delighted to have it. I no longer bought for Tom because, well he would just buy gifts he wanted and so it came to be, we didn’t celebrate Christmas.

 Thanksgiving was a different story. I would spend hours deciding how to make the turkey, if we should buy fresh and never frozen. I researched if I should buy one that was grain fed, lived on a farm, loved by many, because this was my week to shine. It had to be the right one or else, disappointment would set in and again, I would feel like a failure. To avoid this feeling, I went to great lengths to avoid it, but I was always right on the edge and if the turkey was too dry, I would fall off the cliff into the water and swim for a while til I made it to shore. This approval meant more to me than anything at the time, and luckily I always pulled it off.

As Christmas approaches, I know those of Tom who loved him are going to have a hard time with his passing. Not only will they grieve the passing of Tom this year, their hearts will be filled with anger for me, for ruining Christmas for Tom. Tom and I were atheists so we didn’t believe in Christmas and we didn’t celebrate Christmas together with gifts. So Christmas was never meaningful to him or me in that way. However to everyone else, Christmas is a magical time, a meaningful time and I have ruined that for them. When I left on Christmas Eve it was just another day to me. It was not a magical day or holy day,or a birthday.

 During the early days after I left, I remember him asking me if I left him on that day to hurt him more? I was stunned by this question. As a person who goes to great lengths to avoid hurting people, why would I want to hurt someone more? If I could have made this a painless process for everyone else and him, I would have taken all the pain of the divorce and carried it myself and then deposited the pain in the nearest landfill and buried it.

However, I knew that is not possible nor is it good for humans. We HAVE to let me repeat that, HAVE to go through the journey in life. We have to go through he pain and the happy times because that’s what life is made up of. It is not that we like these aspects of life but avoiding it is like avoiding crossing the Mississippi river when you are trying to head west or east. Sure there are ways to do it but they take a lot longer than just crossing it and continuing on with the journey. In my current situation, I am without a partner that enjoys the big dinner being made at his house. He would rather get together at a church, eat and go home. He doesn’t want to shop the next day at the sales. Thanksgiving is not a memorable time for him. So I struggle with making my own memories with this man and remember the memories I had with Tom. Not that I want to go back to my marriage, but I have always had a special place in my heart for Thanksgiving and how Tom and I celebrated it. This year I am taking the cheese plate. Nothing special. No one will remember I took the cheese plate. I will not be acknowledged because the cheese was wonderful. I will have to get this approval and acknowledgment somewhere else in my life. As I hurry through life searching for the next acknowledgment. I wonder how I can calm my spirit and “just be”.

Lonely

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.” Elizabeth Gilbert This is my feeling today, loneliness. I am searching to not feel alone. I have a boyfriend and I have people I can call upon, but I am trying not to use them for my own unfulfilled yearnings. I struggle with this, being in the movement and feeling this feeling. Do I sit here or do I climb out and walk on. I feel like I sat here yesterday in loneliness and I don’t feel like I am making progress on who I want to become. I feel like I am going to try to climb out of the loneliness hole, I have explored it here and I am not a fan. I am trying to not lead my life with my emotions. However I feel like I am on the merry go ride. My emotions are the slaves to my thoughts, and I am the salve to my emotions. Tonight is pottery, how ironic that I have to be centered to center the clay. I have to be calm and think about the clay in order to produce anything. I will my breathing tonight and I will think good thoughts. This hole is not too deep. I think with a ladder I can do this.