The Moment I knew

The moment I knew I needed to de-stress was six years ago.

My marriage didn't start out horrible, after 3  years into the marriage did I start to see my partner become a different person and my weight increased to 100 lbs heavier. I was mentally abused every day and I saw no way out of the marriage. I believed everything he said about my weight, and who I had become was true, and had a stressful job that I hated going to, everyday. One day, I was in such excruciating pain, I could not go to work. I went to the doctor who told me, I had a shingles outbreak at 33 years old. Besides being obese, I was healthy.

One year later we moved to a new city. I was excited for a fresh start and a new job. However, my marriage continued to be very demanding and degrading to my self esteem. I struggled with losing weight. I walked everyday and attempted to eat right, but I could not lose weight. I gave up. I sat myself down and said "ok, I just have to be happy with myself as a fat girl". I went shopping and purchased new clothes and tried to accept "the new me". It was a relief not to have to worry about dieting and freedom to eat whatever I wanted because I was embracing the "new me".

One day I decided,today was the day,I was going to the doctor, because I had been bleeding heavily every day for the past three months.I knew I was not pregnant, because my husband told me, he would not have sex with me because I was so fat, and I had not cheated on him because of my low self esteem, so why was I bleeding? After several tests, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Polycystic ovary syndrome is a condition in which a woman has an imbalance of a female sex hormones. This may lead to menstrual cycle changes, cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant, trouble losing weight, alopecia, and facial hair.

I didn't know where to turn, no support network in my area, little information on the internet. So I turned to my doctor and asked "what do I do?" My doctor discussed that I have a side effect of PCOS called insulin resistance. She went on to talk about insulin sensitivity in our bodies and how insulin being produced from my pancreas  was not being recognized by my cells, and being stored as fat. I learned that there was a medication I could take to increase insulin sensitivity and that would help me lose weight. I started exercising which decreased my stress, made goals for my life and started to lose weight.

I started my first day off losing weight by weighting myself and I was 300 lbs. I knew that I wanted to cut myself in half and weigh 150 lbs. I started setting goals small. So, at first I concentrated on my diet and lost 30 pounds. With that goal I said ok I need to start exercising and so I joined a gym and started attending classes 3 days a week.

With the weight loss journey I realized that the stress I faced in my life was things I was afraid of. So I started tacking fear. I was afraid of leaving my marriage, I was afraid of falling out of planes, I was afraid of flying, I was afraid of riding motorcycles, and the list went on. So I thought the only way to understand stress and the link to fear is to tackle each fear goal one by one. So I booked a trip to Australia, the longest plane ride I could find. It's amazing how life links you to people, because when I sat down for my ride from Indiana to Los Angelos, I was connected to an engineer who worked for Boeing aircraft who designed planes. He asked me about my fears and what stressed me out about flying? I said well " I am afraid that the bolts will come lose from the plane and we will just plummet to the ground", He asked "do you like to ride in helicopters? Which I thought was an odd question, but I said "yes", I really like to ride in helicopters they are smooth, and have no turbulence, and it's a wonderful gliding feeling. What I learned on that four hour journey, was that the helicopter ride I loved so much, was way more dangerous for bolts to come lose and plummet to the ground than the current plane I was in. I was educated on lift and design of planes and came away with a greater understanding of my irrational fear of flying and ended up enjoying the flight. When I returned and told my friends about the experience, they suggsted I go skydiving.

Now, I was not at first so eager to do this, in fact my first response was "oh I couldn't do that". It was 20 minutes later I told that friend, "yes, I am going skydiving". So I booked a tandem flight and stepped out of the plane at 10,000 feet with a man strapped to my back, and holding, with two hands on the struts of the plane. When the tandem instructor said  "let go", I knew at that moment I had two choices in life; I could let go and enjoy the ride or I could let go and be terrified the whole way down. So I let go of the plane, and started to fall at 150 miles per hour, and I decided to enjoy it.

With diet and exercise I started to see progress  in my weight loss and today I have lost 130 pounds. I still 20 pounds away from my ultimate goal. I divorced my husband and one year later he was killed in a motorcycle accident. I have a better understanding of stress today and how it affects my body and that living without fear in my life, I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.

When you redefine happiness

When you redefine happiness

After traveling for 2 weeks in Europe, I feel like as an American I have it wrong. I feel like happiness equals  having really great things, like a huge house, a great lawn, really great knives costing $500.00, a very fancy car, with great shoes, great clothes, a great job, great kids and a great husband. EVERYTHING is perfect.

However, I am now thinking, what has TV  told me? How do I want to live my life? I really would like a job that I work for 10 months and then I have 2 months off to travel. Please don't send me links to becoming a teacher. One recent study by the Center for Economic and Policy Research looked at policies in 16 European countries, along with New Zealand, Japan, Canada and Australia, and found that the U.S. was the only one of the 21 countries to lack any kind of mandate for vacation time. Around one-quarter of all American workers have no paid vacation time at all.

 Having very little, great friends and the ability to travel is what I live for.  Being in Europe was so wonderful as I watch individuals every morning purchase fresh foods, live simply and enjoy "the moment". As an American I feel I am looking and planning the next moment and not enjoying the one I am in.I feel as if my society tells me the best moment in your life will be your wedding day and after that... well you should be perfect. You should have a fabulous career, 2 children, a dog, a huge house and wonderful items decorated just like it came out of HGTV. Now don't get me wrong I would love to have a little house and decorate it, but I don't think it has to be huge and I don't think it has to be decorated out of a magazine.

My goals this year was: $40,000 a year job. Which I did! However, it still does not fullfill my soul. Not being in a half-panicked, half-crazed, fight-or-flight state at work is seen in some places as shirking your duties or not being fully committed. When calling friends or co-workers, or even spouses, we're obliged to give a throat-clearing boilerplate apology: "Hey, I know you're busy, but I just had a quick question..." Yes, God forbid we waste a friend or loved one's precious work time with some actual human interaction. It's tolerated -- barely -- but only if the question is Very Very Important. And Quick. Then we can get back to the 72 things we each have to do before we wolf down lunch at our desks

I wanted  $40,000 dollars in the bank! I have $33,000, however if anything goes wrong I won't have any money in the bank.

I want 2 trips a year, and my own home. Well if I don't get a job that I truly want to go to everyday, then I won't be able to own my own home. If I land a new job and go to another organization, I won't have vacation time.
 So why? Why? Am I not happy? I want a life of traveling and freedom and great foods and great people and I want this all the time.  Has anyone ever felt as if their dreams and reality were not congruent?

Journey continues

Today I have a somber spirit. Last night before bed I was wrestling with myself to settle down and go to sleep. I wanted to think and stir and cogitate over everything, so when I awoke in the morning I would be a wiser, more educated woman who had a whole grasp on what life meant and where I was going. I have always felt this desperate need to know all about myself, so I can just relax the remainder of my life and enjoy it. However, that is not who I am. I am like an architect always tweaking the design of the building, always adding on or tearing down walls to make the rooms bigger, only to find out that much space makes the room feel too awkward, so I put the walls right back up because its more cozy. I struggle with where I am at today, am I making the right decisions, is this the right path and why don’t I have any patience. Why is my soul always running 200 miles an hour on a fast track and everyone needs to get out of the way? Why can’t I be at peace, with who I am and where I am going. I feel like I only get one chance, I am always having way through this journey and what if the journey stops tomorrow. I would have never ridden the train to California and saw the red woods. I have never seen the Eifel tower. I have never been to the great wall in China . I feel not rested because there is so much to see and I have not had time to see it. I am always trying to find out ways to make it all happen. How to earn my own living, balance a boyfriend, please my family and please my soul. I don’t feel any different than anyone else, but I feel I am more anxious about it than others. It is a longing I have that makes me feel different than others. Thanksgiving is this week. I reflected back when I was with Tom. Thanksgiving was always the happiest time of our marriage. I always cooked the turkey, stuffing, potatoes, and pie and he enjoyed it. We would scan the ads, looking for what were going to buy the following day on “Black Friday”. We would lounge and build a fire. I would bring out the Christmas decorations, not because I wanted to, but because he loved it. We didn’t celebrate Christmas together anymore. He didn’t understand buying a present for me based on things that I loved or liked. He wanted a list and then bought exactly what was on the list. I told him one Christmas, I can just buy the stuff myself and he was ok with that. We were not good at exchanging gifts and often he would bring up the year I bought him luggage when he told me to buy him a practical gift for Christmas. How much more practical I thought could you get than luggage for our upcoming trip. He was disappointed I felt awful and cried and he never let me forget that moment. It was after that,I felt so horrible about buying presents for people, that I went out of my way to make sure the gift were “special” and “exactly what you would want”, “thoughtful” and yet in my budget. I would spend hours looking for the right gift; and no matter who you are, you would be utterly delighted to have it. I no longer bought for Tom because, well he would just buy gifts he wanted and so it came to be, we didn’t celebrate Christmas.

 Thanksgiving was a different story. I would spend hours deciding how to make the turkey, if we should buy fresh and never frozen. I researched if I should buy one that was grain fed, lived on a farm, loved by many, because this was my week to shine. It had to be the right one or else, disappointment would set in and again, I would feel like a failure. To avoid this feeling, I went to great lengths to avoid it, but I was always right on the edge and if the turkey was too dry, I would fall off the cliff into the water and swim for a while til I made it to shore. This approval meant more to me than anything at the time, and luckily I always pulled it off.

As Christmas approaches, I know those of Tom who loved him are going to have a hard time with his passing. Not only will they grieve the passing of Tom this year, their hearts will be filled with anger for me, for ruining Christmas for Tom. Tom and I were atheists so we didn’t believe in Christmas and we didn’t celebrate Christmas together with gifts. So Christmas was never meaningful to him or me in that way. However to everyone else, Christmas is a magical time, a meaningful time and I have ruined that for them. When I left on Christmas Eve it was just another day to me. It was not a magical day or holy day,or a birthday.

 During the early days after I left, I remember him asking me if I left him on that day to hurt him more? I was stunned by this question. As a person who goes to great lengths to avoid hurting people, why would I want to hurt someone more? If I could have made this a painless process for everyone else and him, I would have taken all the pain of the divorce and carried it myself and then deposited the pain in the nearest landfill and buried it.

However, I knew that is not possible nor is it good for humans. We HAVE to let me repeat that, HAVE to go through the journey in life. We have to go through he pain and the happy times because that’s what life is made up of. It is not that we like these aspects of life but avoiding it is like avoiding crossing the Mississippi river when you are trying to head west or east. Sure there are ways to do it but they take a lot longer than just crossing it and continuing on with the journey. In my current situation, I am without a partner that enjoys the big dinner being made at his house. He would rather get together at a church, eat and go home. He doesn’t want to shop the next day at the sales. Thanksgiving is not a memorable time for him. So I struggle with making my own memories with this man and remember the memories I had with Tom. Not that I want to go back to my marriage, but I have always had a special place in my heart for Thanksgiving and how Tom and I celebrated it. This year I am taking the cheese plate. Nothing special. No one will remember I took the cheese plate. I will not be acknowledged because the cheese was wonderful. I will have to get this approval and acknowledgment somewhere else in my life. As I hurry through life searching for the next acknowledgment. I wonder how I can calm my spirit and “just be”.

Grief journy

Today, my spirit is un-rested. Why do I sit here and have such an obsessive personality, why must I make sure everyone is happy, and brush myself aside as I am a friend that didn’t matter. I matter. I am a good friend, one of the best, I will worry about if you are happy, and if you need food, and if I can make you laugh when you are down. I will do this at the risk of my own happiness and health.

Once when I was an in therapy, the therapist asked me, if I would be my own friend. I immediately answered and said “of course”. Thinking to myself, I would put your needs above my own, I would worry about your happiness. But when I reflect back on my life, why am I so ready to brush my own needs aside and rush in to fill yours. Why? I honestly say that I felt that I have a bias against selfish people. I never wanted to be “that one” who was always thinking of herself. I always deep down felt of myself as a public servant, here on earth to serve others. Where did I get this idea? I guess growing up I learned with my mom as a police officer  in public service and my dad the neighborhood pleaser, “to do good”. I watched my family drop everything to help other neighbors, to put the extended families needs above his family. I watched this over and over as if it now is blueprinted on my soul.

But what I never realized, until I was older was that nobody recognizes the suffering you do because of it. What is my reward for carrying your burden and pain? For putting your needs above my own? There is none and yet I do it anyway thinking this time it will be different. I have come to learn over the years, that no one really wants to hear about your trips, your favorite foods, your desires, your passions, your current pottery class failures, your grief, your struggles and most of all your love life. The universe tho has a way of making us all struggle, because the things most of want, to wait, till the other person shuts up so we can talk about ourselves. So knowing this, I always make a point to ask how someone’s grandchildren are, how they are feeling, how is the new job? Which leaves the giving person feeling as if the relationship is one sided.
I know this to be true and often struggle with it. To me it is so hard to talk about yourself, when you know the other person is waiting and waiting and waiting for you to shut up, so they can share about themselves. I struggle with this narasstic side of myself, waiting for “me time”.

The number one cause of stress is someone’s life is the death of a spouse or partner, the second cause of stress in someone’s life is divorce. I think something never talks about is the stress in someone’s life with the death of an ex spouse. No one teaches you how to cope with this grief. It is as if you have to heal yourself by saying “I am truly alone”. Now let me say that I never wanted to go back to my ex husband, but I still considered him a good friend. We were still civil to each other. He had moved on and I had moved on. However, if I needed a phone number or if I had mistakenly taken an ornament from his from his childhood, we were able to do that without lawyers. I was able to text him and we were able to chat. It was formal and good boundaries were still there. It is hard to know that option in life is gone. When you go through the death of an ex you examine your marriage, your divorce, and you grieve a person you once chose to bare your soul to. That person is no longer living. When you are the ex, no one talks about the time in that person’s life when you were together, so it is as if that time when you were with him vanished. I feel like Mary Magadaonline reading the bible and saying, so Jesus went from a young boy to age 30 and the chapter on “us” was left out.
 I am not looking for sympathy here I am just looking to be acknowledged. I am just looking for some validation that we were married and things did not work out. I am not saying that I was the greatest wife, but please acknowledge me as the ex wife. I left my dog behind with the divorce. I knew, my husband at the time could not emotionally handle me leaving, the dog leaving, the cat leaving without feeling like udder abandonment.
Anyone who knows me, knows that hurting those I care about, places scars on my soul so deep, I wonder if they will ever heal. So to not be able to see my dog now, after the death of the ex, seems a bit odd. When you leave someone, and they are upset, but you do it because you know that person will grow and become a better person, everyone around them see’s you as a bad person. I know we are not suppose to worry about what others think, but when what they think affects you, how cannot we not care.

This past week two of my friends have had to put their dogs to sleep, and I know Otto’s day is coming. I know that the person who is taking care of Otto has to make that decision. The decision no animal lover or care taker wants to make, saying goodbye for the last time. Otto is on borrowed time with two hip replacements and hip problems and around 10 years old. However, in the divorce it’s interesting that nobody asked me if I wanted to take care of the dog. Nobody understood Tom and my relationship, so why am I expecting people who were his friends and family to now understand after divorce our relationship. I think it’s easier to erase 10 years of “me” than contact me and ask me “how I am doing” or give me an update on “my dog”. I am the one that gave Otto drops in his eyes when the cat had scratched it, every morning. I am the one that took him through agility classes. I am the one that took him to puppy school. I am the one that walked him every night when we lived in a small house and had no yard. I am the one that named him. I am the one that has no rights to a dog because my ex husband has died unexpectedly. When I asked individuals where the dog was, I was told he was adopted by a friend who wanted to do this for Tom. I think it’s odd that they placed this dog with a stranger, rather than me, the one in his life for 8 years because “it was for Tom”. It reminds me of the courts when the child has no voice in where they want to live and then the courts pick for them “in the best interest of the child” of course.

Lonely

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.” Elizabeth Gilbert This is my feeling today, loneliness. I am searching to not feel alone. I have a boyfriend and I have people I can call upon, but I am trying not to use them for my own unfulfilled yearnings. I struggle with this, being in the movement and feeling this feeling. Do I sit here or do I climb out and walk on. I feel like I sat here yesterday in loneliness and I don’t feel like I am making progress on who I want to become. I feel like I am going to try to climb out of the loneliness hole, I have explored it here and I am not a fan. I am trying to not lead my life with my emotions. However I feel like I am on the merry go ride. My emotions are the slaves to my thoughts, and I am the salve to my emotions. Tonight is pottery, how ironic that I have to be centered to center the clay. I have to be calm and think about the clay in order to produce anything. I will my breathing tonight and I will think good thoughts. This hole is not too deep. I think with a ladder I can do this.

Domestic Violence Painting

Today I finished painting a canvas art painting for a benefit for Noble House. This is an organization that assists women who are in a domestic violence situation. Leaving someone who is abusive is hard. I know because my ex husband was verbally abusive. The scars are on the inside which makes it hard to see. Painting can be therapeutic. I think we often don't think of ourselves as an artist, but we all have the ability to pick up a paint brush and paint. Painting your inner self doesn't have to fall between certain lines, its just you. Abstract paintings are some of my favorite. Go out and pick up a brush, paint and a canvas and paint who you are. You might be surprised that you like it.